The perennially anonymous leader of the Liberal Democrats, Sir Vince Cable, has hired a crack-team of personal branding experts to add a much-needed boost his non-existent public profile.
Wetherspoons today announced that they would be closing down all their social media accounts, as no amount of photographic manipulation can make their food appear edible.
Esther McVey, the Work and Pensions Secretary, is expected to make medical history this week as she becomes the first person to have a heart-of-stone removed. The Conservative MP for Tatton will then receive a human heart from an anonymous donor.
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Excited anti-royalists have braved the inclement weather and set up camp outside the Funeral Directors to the Royal Household, eagerly awaiting news on the imminent passing of Prince Philip, the Duke of Edinburgh.
Slimy, stinking animal, Nigel Farage, was photographed today, throwing dead fish into the River Thames, in a publicity stunt that makes him look like an even bigger twat than he actually is.
Up to 3000 jobs have been put at risk today with the announcement that Maplin's Holiday Camps are set to close. The once popular entertainment centre has blames cheap internet holidays deals and the low value of the pound for their demise.
People in Wales and the South West of England has expressed concern today, as they learned that Oxfam would be dispatching aid workers to areas worst affected by todays earthquake.
The Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt, has warned people about the new craze that is sweeping the internet, that involves coughing one's anus inside out.