Jeremy Hunt was smiling in a patronising way today, when he gleefully announced that the seven day NHS issues had been resolved.
Moreover, the Government is exceptionally pleased at the findings, from a think-tank. These suggest that this can be achieved without involvement from any of those meddlesome doctors.
Pain in the Arse
“The news is great,” explained Department for Health spokeswoman, Marnie Frumpycake. “Those doctors have been a right royal pain in the arse; bleating about patient safety and the like. Well I have a cure for a pain in the arse – and it’s getting lower paid workers in the NHS to do the work for them.“
“Not only will this save us a load of money – which can be used to fraudulently spend on election campaigns – but it will allow us to squeeze every drop life from the already overworked nurses and other hospital staff. It will also piss off the doctors, which is always really funny!” she added.
The Druid’s Loom has also discovered that the Government plans to install a self-checkout style system like they have in Tescos, at the entrance to A & E. This will do away with the wasteful triage service, and provide a full 24/7 diagnosis facility.
“The self-diagnosis system is brilliant,” Mrs Frumpycake continued. “Patients key in their symptoms, and the machine basically dispenses a load of paracetamol and tells them to fuck off. It has cut A & E waiting times by about 80 percent.“
“In hospital death rates have also decreased as patients now die on the way home!” she explained, before claiming expenses on her private healthcare application.