7 Day NHS – Issues Resolved

The government has announced that all the issues surrounding the seven day NHS, and Junior Doctors contracts, have now been resolved, as a think-tank reveals it can be achieved without doctors.

Doctors - Who Needs Them?
Doctors – Who Needs Them?
DarkoStojanovic / Pixabay

Jeremy Hunt was smiling in a patronising way today, when he gleefully announced that the seven day NHS issues had been resolved.

Moreover, the Government is exceptionally pleased at the findings, from a think-tank. These suggest that this can be achieved without involvement from any of those meddlesome doctors.

Pain in the Arse
The news is great,” explained Department for Health spokeswoman, Marnie Frumpycake. “Those doctors have been a right royal pain in the arse; bleating about patient safety and the like. Well I have a cure for a pain in the arse – and it’s getting lower paid workers in the NHS to do the work for them.

Overworked Nurses
Not only will this save us a load of money – which can be used to fraudulently spend on election campaigns – but it will allow us to squeeze every drop life from the already overworked nurses and other hospital staff. It will also piss off the doctors, which is always really funny!” she added.

The Druid’s Loom has also discovered that the Government plans to install a self-checkout style system like they have in Tescos, at the entrance to A & E. This will do away with the wasteful triage service, and provide a full 24/7 diagnosis facility.

The self-diagnosis system is brilliant,” Mrs Frumpycake continued. “Patients key in their symptoms, and the machine basically dispenses a load of paracetamol and tells them to fuck off. It has cut A & E waiting times by about 80 percent.

In hospital death rates have also decreased as patients now die on the way home!” she explained, before claiming expenses on her private healthcare application.


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May 17, 2016 07:58

Most Doctoring is easy anyway. How hard is it to stick a plaster on someone – or to give them some anti biotics.

Medicine is the biggest gravy train scandal of the century.

I agree with Hunt – medicine is for the rich – the ones with privilage who deserve to be treated. We are over populated as it is!