A Cut Above – An Exclusive Interview with Boris Johnson’s Barber

As part of our on going General Election series where we meet the people who are involved with our politicians on a day to day basis - Today we interview the man who cuts Boris' hair.

A Cut Above
A Barbers – Yesterday

A Cut Above- As I enter the small barbers shop in west London I can almost smell the history. It is not a garish salon type affair, but a more traditional, no nonsense barbers establishment. There are black and white pictures on the walls, faded by the sunlight as it streams through the front window. There is a range of weird and wonderful products laid out the counter that are probably grossly out date; by decades rather than by years. One almost expects four men in straw hats to come in from the back room and burst into a cappella song.

Trembling

Instead, through the door comes a little old man, his hands trembling with age has he makes his way towards me. Putting his hand on the back of the leather waiting chair, he slides down next to me. This is Eric Ballslapper, Boris Johnson’s barber.

What can I do for you today” asks Mr Ballslapper, is a quiet, yet aged voice.

I’m here to talk about Boris Johnson,” I say, realising he has no idea who I am.

Oh,” he sighs,”That over-entitled wanker

I am taken aback and ask Mr Ballslapper to clarify.

He is a total shit head. Most of the time he is waffling on about some old nonsense and I can’t make head nor tail of it. How he has risen so far is beyond me.” he growls “Still raw sewage always floats to the top doesn’t it?” he adds.

Dog

Before I can question him further I am aware of a dog walking in and sniffing around. It is a beautiful Labrador, and it sits majestically next to Eric.

Ah, Betty” he says to the dog “You think Boris is a twat to don’t you? She can’t stand him you know. I have to shut her in the back room; she just barks and barks.”

Shit Hair Cut

I don’t  even try to give him a good hair cut” he explains “People have told me, that Boris enjoys his signature unkempt look. The funny thing is; I just hack away at his ridiculous blond mop, and hope that is makes him look as much of a bell-end as possible.

We chat for a while longer, and discuss the years of service that Eric has put into trying to make Boris appear like an imbecile – and in most part succeeding.

I sense after a while that Eric is tired. We say our goodbyes, shake hands and he picks up his white stick and allows Betty to guide him to the back room.

Allotment

Join me tomorrow when I talk to lady who has the allotment plot next to Jeremy Corbyn.

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