Academy Chain to Close Non-Profit Making Schools

The St Bastard's Academy chain, that currently runs 15 secondary schools across the country is set to close all those that are not making a profit.

No Money to be Made
No Money to be Made
Image Courtesy of WorthingMan Under the CC BY-SA2.0 License

The CEO of St Bastard’s Academy Trust, Brian Muckfodder explained how disappointed he has been by the lack of effort that schools have put in to generating income.

Legally Obliged
“When I set up the St Bastard Trust things looked very promising. Each ‘school’ had well over 1000 customers, all of whom are legally obliged to attend on a daily basis. I saw this as an excellent opportunity to make money.”

Mr Muckfodder’s approach was very similar to that used by motorway service stations, who are also in the unique position of having customers who are a captive audience.

£3 for a Sausage Roll
“At a service station you can expect to pay £3 for a sausage roll that would cost you £1 elsewhere,” Mr Muckfodder explained “In schools it’s even easier because if the customer doesn’t attend, they (or their parents) get prosecuted. So as well as charging for toilets and stuff like that, I hiked up the price of school meals and charged a small fortune for a shit quality uniform.”

Unfortunately making a profit seemed low on the list of priorities for the staff and students working there.

Learning Products and Consultancy Tools
“I couldn’t believe it. The teachers seemed completely against promoting my range of learning products and consultancy tools. They believed resources should be provided for free!  In the end the I found that the schools would cost more money to run than they could ever make.  You also wouldn’t believe the amount of legislation, safeguarding and health and safety you have to contend with. Did you know you have to do DBS checks on all employees? That’s like £44 a pop!”

Travel Lodge
It became apparent that since all the schools that the trust is responsible for do not make a profit, they are all going to be closed and converted into Travel Lodges. We asked Mr Muckfodder what would happen to the students attending the schools.

“I have no idea,” he told us. “That’s not my problem”.

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