Air to be Privatised – Markets React Favourably

Excited stockbrokers creamed their pants today as the Chancellor announced plans to sell-off all UK air and oxygen.

The New Descrete Pay-As-You-Breate Mask
The New discrete Pay-As-You-Breathe Mask
bycfotografem / Pixabay – CC0

A beleaguered stock market rallied on the back of the news, with the FTSE 100 and Dow Jones closing up on this morning’s trading. An exact share price has not yet been set, but Vince Cable is determined it should be affordable to most billionaires.

Pay-as-You-Breathe

Parliament is expected to green-light the privatisation in the autumn and, if all goes well, a ‘pay-as-you-breathe’ tariff will be introduced by the summer of 2017.

Suffocate

Critics of the sell-off have expressed concern that millions of low income households will suffocate and die, but the Government insists privatisation of fresh air will lead to a more efficient and robust use of public lungs. Most Conservatives remain ideologically opposed to state owned oxygen and public sector breathing.

Do Nothing

A new regulatory body known as ‘OfCough’ will oversee the companies that provide public oxygen. It’s main duty will be to do nothing.

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S Grimshaw

Hi. I would like to buy some shares. Has it gone public yet?