Being a Bastard – My Secret to Eternal Youth, by Robert Mugabe

At his 92nd Birthday Party yesterday, Robert Mugabe revealed the secret to his apparent eternal youth - Being a bit of a bastard. Today he tells The Druid's Loom, the secrets of his success.

Mugabe, Being a Bastard, Yesterday
Mugabe, Being a Bastard, Yesterday
Image Courtesty of GovernmentZA under the CC BY-ND2.0 Licence

Hi there readers, Robert Mugabe here! It’s good to be able to talk to you today; the day after my amazing 92nd birthday. It wasn’t a cheap affair, cost around $800,000, but I had a really great time and it gave the me opportunity to get to work on some really top notch bastardry.

Great Big Cake

I spent the day travelling round some of the villages that have been decimated by famine. Many of the residents are starving and do not know where there next meal is coming from, so I sat in front of them and made them cheer at me whilst I ate a great big cake!

Throwing Sick at Starving Children

I was so full of cake, I was actually sick in my air conditioned limo on the way back to my palace. It was funny though, because I got my butler to scrape it out of my car and throw it at starving children as we drove past – LOL!

Mugabe Having a Little Nap
Mugabe Having a Little Nap
Public Domain Image

Flogged

Being a bastard is tiring though and I often fall asleep at public engagements. It’s okay though, no one dare wake me up. The last person who did – it was really funny – I had him flogged in front of me, whilst I ate some more cake and threw stones at his wife!

Youthful Good Looks

I firmly believe that being a bastard has allowed me to keep my youthful good looks. I mean, I hardly look 92, do I? Just take a look at these pics of me across the decades! I look as good now as I did in my 60’s! Can you guess which is old me and which is young me? I bet you can’t?

Mugabe Mugabe Mugabe

To look this good you have to be a full-time bastard shit-head most of the time. For my 93rd birthday, I am going to go round and laugh at disabled people, whilst eating even more cake; in front of people dying from AIDS.

Next Week….

Next week Robert Mugabe explains how to request millions of pounds of aid, to help the sick and needy –  then refuse it, the moment it is offered – on the grounds that it comes from a country that supports gay marriage.

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Robert Mugabe

What a total bastard