Yesterday Boris Johnson announced, that many loved ones of plucky Brits will die in the upcoming Covid-19 outbreak. Upon hearing the news hoards of utter dicks descended upon Lidl to buy up “Bring Out Your Dead” style death carts.
“I really don’t know what I am doing or how to react. But having a cart type structure to transport decomposing cadavers seems the right thing to do. I nipped into Lidl and bought 5 yesterday,” boasted Frank Gobscrot, an total imbecile from Wootton Bassett
“I had run out of things to panic buy,” explained Vanessa Banana, a total arse from Minehead. “Thankfully, on flicking through my Lidl weekly center aisle leaflet, I spotted these death carts. I rushed out and bought 7,” she explained. “If I don’t need to transport any bodies with them, they will certainly help shift the 4 tonnes of pasta I got last week,” she added.
The Brexit Britain We Voted For
Mr Gammonneck, a staunch Tory from Kent had a different take. “This is the Brexit I voted for. Coronavirus has done more to make this country great than any politician could,” he told us. “I hark back to an era, where a lone body collector would roam the streets mournfully shouting ‘Bring out your dead’, whilst the terrified population self isolated indoors.” he explained
“Now if it would only cull the poor and it would be perfect?“
The Druid’s Loom approached the manager of a local Lidl to ask for his opinion on the sales of the death carts.
“It’s a fucking ornamental wheelbarrow,” he told us, before hauling the next load of bog roll on to the shelves.