British are the 2nd Biggest Wankers in the World

Despite falling rapidly in the global education league tables, poor economic performance, high levels of depression and diminishing standards are living; the latest stats from PornHub make you proud to be British.

Wanking for Britain - Porn Hub Stats Yesterday
Wanking for Britain – Porn Hub Stats Yesterday

Hardly a day goes by without some doommonger, or so called expert spouting off how crap it is living in Britain today.

The Empire
Since the fall of The Empire, the country has struggled to compete on the world’s stage, often losing out in every major area, whether it be education, business, cuisine, innovation or standard of living.

However the results our from PornHub today, show that we now come second in the world with regard to the amount of porn that we view online.

Wanker, Clive Topporridge, told The Druid’s Loom, “It’s been a pretty shit year if you think back. I think people got so depressed with all the doom and gloom after the Brexit vote, that they just withdrew to the bathroom, with their phones and beat one off.

Fucking Embarrassment
Economics expert, Brenda Moneynip explained, “This really isn’t a statistic to be proud of, I mean look at this, we are a fucking embarrassment to the rest of the world. We watch almost twice as much porn as the next country down the list”.

The government need to take note. How is this affecting our productivity?” she added with dismay.

The last time the country came this high in a league table was in the “Hours spent at work, for developed countries”.

Lesbian MILF’s Scissoring
I imagine these two statistics are related“, Mrs Moneynip, continued. “These poor bastards spend their lives working, or travelling to and from work in the pissing rain, or waiting for public transport that never shows up. The are undervalued by their employers and not represented by an increasingly elite government. Their standard of living has fallen dramatically and the only thing that has got better, is broadband speeds – No wonder the resort to ‘Lesbian MILFs scissoring‘”.

The only country who have been shown to be bigger wankers than the UK is the USA – but we knew that already, after they voted for Donald Fucking Trump.

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