British Summer Holidays to be Renamed “Autumn Holidays”

The school summer holidays in Britain are to be renamed "Autumn Holidays", it was announced today.

"Oh look Mummy, a dog turd!"
“Oh look Mummy, a dog turd!”
mnanni / Pixabay

The British summer now only appears to last the 4 weeks students sit their exams. After this they descend into a maelström of wind rain and hail for the following two months. Consequently the Government has decided to rename them, the “Autumn Holidays”.

Spiteful
Traditionally the British summer has always been a bit shit,” explained Jerry Guffscrot, spokesman for the Department of the Environment. “Now though it’s just spiteful.

Orange
We have a few weeks of reasonable weather, followed by a 3 day  summer blast, of sticky humid hell, just when students are taking their exams. Then on the day the schools break up; well; it’s game over. The clouds gather, winds increase and the leaves start to turn orange. It basically turns to Autumn in a day,” he added.

Dog Shit
Parents are left with  the option of taking their children abroad on holiday, to perish in temperatures above 40ºC, or to sit in 12ºC, in the pissing rain on a dog shit covered beach.

We decided to have a holiday in the UK this year, and  go to the Devonshire Coast the day after the kids broke up from school,” parent Julie Humpwarner told us. “I stood in the playground picking up my youngest in blazing heat. Two hours later, it was 20ºC cooler and pissing with rain.”

Fucking Blackberries
We have spent the last two weeks picking fucking blackberries, collecting conkers, and collecting up falling leaves from the garden,” she told us, dismally.

As well as renaming the school holidays the Government is thinking of changing the lengths of each season. Autumn will last from 25th July – 30th April. Winter will be abolished and there will be  6 weeks of Spring lasting until 15th June. Summer will then continue until 24th July.

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