In an exclusive interview for the Druid’s Loom, Bolton lad, Alun Weldon, explains his fury towards Boris Johnson.
‘’The Prime Minister has completely screwed my career up mate’’. He told our reporter.
Weldon has been a professional burglar for over 20 years and says that the Coronavirus has completely finished him.
Tena Lady Pads
‘’Boris is telling everyone to stay locked down in their houses’’, Weldon fumed. ‘’So I’m fucked now trying to find homes that are unoccupied. I’ve got tons of orders for bog rolls and Tena Lady Pads from folk off our estate, so I am gonna be well out of pocket. The only thing I can do now, is nick a car and ram-raid, Andrex, but that will get me some heavy time inside, so the only way forward is to rely on my Mam to bring the cash in’’.
When asked if Weldon’s mam, Noreen, was a burglar too, Alun explained, ‘’ Nar mate. She’s never been in trouble in her life. But Boris is stopping the over the 70’s crew from going outdoors for 12 weeks soon, so I told her, she may as well go out tomorrow and shoplift her ass off, because she’ll only get tagged and curfewed anyway, so at least she will get some benefit of having to stay indoors, plus we will be quid’s in. She loves going in Poundland anyway, and I’ve lined her shopping trolley with tin foil, so she’ll be sorted’’.
Reflecting back on his 20 year career as a burglar, Weldon told our reporter that the Coronavirus has probably done him a favour as he was pissed off doing night shifts all the time and having to lend his Dad’s gloves and screwdriver.
Alun has now applied for a slot on, The Dragon’s Den, to pitch his new business idea. Although a closely guarded secret, Weldon went on to say, ‘’All I can tell you is that I have designed a few sex toys for when the country goes on lockdown. Boris said that we have got to do that social distancing thing and sleep in separate beds if we get any symptoms, so, I have designed the Corona Moaner for women, which is one of those vibrator things, and my Mam designed, Fiona Corona, a blow up doll for us men’’.
Weldon is convinced that one of the Dragon’s will invest in his new sex toy range and said his products will definitely raise temperatures, but no dry coughs.