Cafe Capers

Alison Henderson gives us a humorous account of the Coffee Shop exploits, of Alice and Doreen - Two septuagenarians with the observational prowess of Russell Howard.

Cafe Capers
Cafe Capers
Unsplash / Pixabay

There’s nothing better than going for a cappuccino in the local café when you’ve lost on a scratch card; especially when Alice and Doreen are in there.

Russell Howard
I don’t know them personally but I always sit in earshot of them because their observations are better than Russell Howard’s! They love to earwig and tut and blow about today’s young generation; but little do these lovely old ladies know, is that I purposely go in the café to earwig on them! I can’t tell you the amount of times I have nearly choked on my coffee, but I let them off because the entertainment is above and beyond the 02 arena.

On Monday, Alice and Doreen were on top form. Stirring the sugar in to her coffee, Alice shook her head and piped up to Doreen, “it’s his birthday on Friday. What do you buy teenagers these days for their birthdays?
How old will your Darren be this time?”Doreen responded.
He’ll be nineteen,”Alice replied.
Well why don’t you buy him some aftershave Alice? They’ve got some cheap FUCK on offer over at the discount store facing Tesco’s,” Doreen suggested.
Ooooh, how much is the FUCK Doreen?” Alice asked.
I don’t know but we can have a walk over there after we’ve finished our brew,” Doreen smiled.

At this point, I had a mouthful of cappuccino I struggled to swallow; and my cheeks looked like I had two real bad tooth abscesses. Do I inform these lovely pensioners that in fact the aftershave is FCUK, or do I make some shop assistant’s day by saying nothing? I had visions of Alice saying to her grandson, “Now then Darren, I didn’t know what to get you so I got you this FUCK.

The thing is, I nipped to the loo and when I came back, Alice and Doreen had gone. Oh blimey! But I was tempted to go down to the store and buy a bottle just to be in the queue – and to witness the sales assistant’s beetroot complexion.

Bingo Halls
I popped in to the café one afternoon last week and Alice and Doreen were there again. They always sit in the same place as folk do at bingo halls. Sat side on, on the next table were two lads in their twenty’s. One of them stretched his arms over his head, yawned and piped up to his pal; “Well mate, I’m gonna go home, have a bath, chill out, and have a nice big joint”.

Doreen looked at Alice, nodded over at the lads, and softly smiled. She said, “Oh Alice isn’t it a refreshing change to hear that those young men are eating proper meals of an evening instead of all that take-away rubbish!
I know Doreen, but look at their ankles? We were brought up to wear watches on our wrists! Whatever is wrong with the youth of today?” Tutted Alice.

I grimaced for a few seconds and the inevitable happened. Doreen was curious; I could see it in her eyes. She cleared her throat and looked over at the two guys.

Excuse me love,” She whispered, “Are those watches on your ankles a new fashion”?
One of the lads replied, “Oh no love, we have to wear them and be home for 7 every night.
That’s marvellous parenting!” Replied Doreen, “I wish every Mum and Dad was like yours! The young ones on our estate don’t go in until 10.00pm – sometimes 11.00pm!

The café is a comedy club and its hosts are definitely Alice and Doreen. In fact the best is yet to come. My jaws are still aching from today’s cappuccino purchase!


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