Customer Geoff Bacon told the Druids Loom – “I asked for bacon and egg and the manager told me he’d run out of bacon. So I told him that in light of this unforeseen omission to the meal – subsequently condensing the choice on offer, may I suggest a straightforward exchange? – in simple terms a proposal of negotiation. I asked him if he could supersede the relegated bacon slice for a newly promoted breakfast addition.”

“The manager asked me what that meant in plain English. I said ‘how about giving me a sausage instead of the bacon?’. He said ‘ I can’t do that – it’s breakfast

policy’. I said ‘you can’t expect me to pay the same amount for less food’. I said ‘ how about we remedy this overpriced dilemma by reducing the value of the redundant rasher from the overall charge? – thus compensating me for the expired porky piece that I have been so cruelly deprived of’.”

“He asked me what that meant in plain English. ‘Give me a discount’ I said. ‘I can’t do that it’s breakfast policy’ he said. Then he served me a miniscule egg that had no yolk. I said ‘ Sir, I’d like to express a euphemism – may I encourage you to initiate a demonstrative enforcement of the chicken laid sizzler into the darkened depths of your rear side anatomy?’.”

“The manager asked me what that meant in plain English. ‘Shove the egg up your arse!’ I yelled – ‘I cant do that – it’s breakfast policy’ he said.”

Mr Bacon appears in court next month.