Carlisle Man Marries Tent

A thirty two year old Carlisle man has married his tent.

A Tent - On Her Wedding Night, Yesterday
A Tent – On Her Wedding Night, Yesterday
Noel_Bauza / Pixabay

Sid Pipes told the Druid’s Loom “It all started one evening when I’d run out of condoms and my girlfriend at the time suggested I use our camping tent for protection instead.”

Campulate
“She asked me to campulate her – which apparently is a term used to describe the combination of camping and copulating. I took the tent from out of the garage and I placed it over her as she lay naked on the bed.”

Spiritual Physical Encounter
“Then in a graceful motion I lowered 
myself to the area where my girlfriend was horizontally positioned, and I prompted a spiritually physical encounter involving a glorious union of fleshy bouncing “shove your salami into my drain! she cried passionately. Then from a raised aspect I descended into a rhythmical action – engaging in a fusion of bodily expression, a grinding melting pot of writhing entwined magical oneness – “stick your baton up my corridor!” she cried passionately.”

Unfettered
“Then I tenderly enforced an unfettered endearing inseparability of burgeoning chemistry – “ram your hot dog up my pipe!” she cried passionately. Then I assertively stimulated an embracing attachment – stylistically administering a smooth intermittent thrusting in a blaze of love fervour “stuff your rod into my bucket!” she cried passionately.”

Jealousy
“I stopped after half an hour as my girlfriend became enraged with jealousy. She told me I seemed to like the tent more than her – which was completely untrue – it was about even. She told me if I felt that way I should marry the tent – so I did”.

Mr Pipes has since been sectioned under both the Mental Health Act 1999 and the Sexual Offences Against Camping Equipment Act 2010.

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