Channel 4 bosses have been quick off the mark to release details of their plans for the “Great British Bake Off”, after their deal with program makers, Love Productions.
The partnership will see the show’s format being radically changed with to include much more raunchy output.
“At Channel 4 we love to cavort with a bit of controversy,” explained Chief of Shite TV, Desmond Turgidcock. “We feel that the cakes have all become a bit too stodgy and the show needs a fresh, light, spongy offering.“
“The program ‘Naked Attraction’, has been a tremendous success for us as a network and we want to inject elements of this into the ‘Bake Off’,” he added thoughtfully.
Both presenters and contestants will be expected to appear on the show bollock naked, as the camera flits between closeups of firm floury ‘baps’, soft moist ‘muffin’ and a generous helping of ‘sausage’.
“We have a approached Mary Berry and she has agreed to allow Paul Hollywood, to gently baste her in olive oil, during the opening sequences. Paul was also only too happy to oblige,” he told us wistfully.
“The only issue we can see is that the pages of all the cookery books will keep getting stuck together with batter – and not kind made with flour,” Mr Turgidcock added, chuckling at his own joke.
The Druid’s Loom approached the Food Standard Agency to see if they had any concerns about a show that combines cooking utensils with genitals.
“Who the hell cares?” explained head of the FSA, Molly Crumpet. “This country is currently having the biggest political shakeup since the second world war! People are facing poverty and huge economical challenges, and all everyone seems to care about is a fucking cookery program.“
“Whilst everyone is pissing their pants about a TV show switching channels, Jeremy Hunt is dismantling the NHS, Theresa May is removing your Human Rights and Liam Fox is being an arsehole – Get a fucking grip,“Mrs Crumpet added before slamming the phone down.
The new show, which will be renamed “The Great British Wank Off”, will air on Channel 4, sometime in 2017.