It started with “Clap for the NHS”, which was lovely. Then someone suggested “Clap for Boris”, which many people enjoyed not doing. Finally, some mentalist came up with “Clap for Kids”, for some fucking reason.
The Druid’s Loom is now proud to launch it’s own campaign to “Clap for Wheelie Bins”, to take place next Tuesday at 8pm.
“I think that it is a wonderful idea where we can finally show our appreciation to our wheelie bins,” explained Druid’s Loom subeditor, Gregory Jizznip. “No matter what colour they are, and whether they are used they deserve our support. General, food, garden or plastic waste, it doesn’t matter,” he dribbled.
“Just imagine this crisis without them,” he continued, slurring his speech slightly. “We would just have to throw our rubbish into the garden.”
Not everyone is convinced with this idea.
“Is this really normal behaviour?” said Glenda Candyfloss, a parsnip grower from Buckley. “Fucking clapping at everything? It’s not is it? It’s just a sign that we have been locked up too long and we are going a little bit insane.”
“Personally I think that humanity has had it’s chance and Covid-19, is nature’s way of telling us to move over and let the insects take control.”
Scientist Fred Huncklechop told the Druid’s Loom, “What we are seeing are the classic first signs of madness. Wanting to clap or bang saucepans at random stuff. None of it actually helps. If people really cared, each clapper should donate a quid to the NHS – imagine even if half the population did it, that would be about £20 million quid a week.”
“That’s nearly as good as any bullshit printed on the side of a fucking Brexit Bus,” he concluded.
Any reader planning on clapping for Kids, Boris, Bins or their Neighbour’s Uncles’s Dog, should either seek medical help, or just have a beer and watch the telly instead.