Clowning Around

The clowns are frightening the UK, and for once we don't mean the government. This American craze has overstayed it's welcome.

Local idiot is a bigger clown than Boris Johnson. Image courtesy of Shaun Weldon
Local idiot is a bigger clown than Boris Johnson. Image courtesy of Shaun Weldon

 

The craze that swept America has made its way to the UK, as with every American craze it has attracted a following of idiotic sheep.

 

TWITCHY BUM HOLES

Hundreds of sightings of these Ronald McDonald looking creepy mother fuckers have been reported this week, the majority of the UK are hiding behind their curtains with twitchy bum holes, fearing for their safety.

 

TOSSERS

Unsure whether these Pennywise wannabe tossers are escaped loons or an alien race, authorities are taking no chances. With clowns showing up outside schools, playgrounds and brothels, police have increased the number of officers on patrol by 10%.

 

CLOWN BASHERS

Naturally, the public are taking the matter into their own hands too. From angry parents and hard nuts, to the small time gangsters who walk funny and grab their dick all day, are hunting day and night. Calling themselves “Clown Bashers”, they are kicking the shit out of clowns without hesitation upon encounter, amnesty has been given to do so.

 

FURIOUS PENSIONERS

Yesterday a children’s entertainer was brutally attacked outside a family’s home as he nipped out to his car for a spliff. He had been mistaken for a clown prank wanker and was set about by six furious pensioners. The gang proceeded to beat him with walking sticks and shopping bags, causing him to drop his joint and cry like a kid with a slapped arse.

 

THE WRONG CLOWN

I’d been entertaining at a kids party and was on a break whilst they ate. A quick spliff was well and truly needed, there’s only so many times you can hit yourself in the bollocks with a shoe full of custard, I needed a minute. I heard somebody shout “CLOWN!” and before I knew it I was on the floor getting twated by old farts, I wouldn’t mind but I was dressed as Donald Trump”. The entertainer tells us.

 

FUCK OFF!

It is hoped that the craze is just a phase and the clowns will fuck off back to the circus as soon as the drugs wear off.

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