Commuter Rail Fares to Include “Pound of Flesh” Option.

After the new price rises for the average rail fares, train companies now  include a 'pound of flesh' option for those unable to pay.

New rail fares - You could probably buy your own train.
New rail fares – You could probably buy your own train.
Image Courtesy of Roger Kidd under the BY-SA 2.0 License.

With the announcement of the new 2018 commuter rail fares, train companies have announced that those who can not pay, are welcome to donate a pound of their own flesh instead.

Commuter Woes

Monica Measleface, from the Department of Transport told The Druid’s Loom,”The 2018 rail fares still offer great value for money. For example you can travel from Liverpool to Manchester for £3152 per year. You’ll probably have to add some sort of car park fee and bus fare too, if you don’t live or work right by the station.

Smirking

In my experience trains are great, there is loads of room in First Class, and I can often have a little sleep. Mind you I don’t pay for it – the taxpayer does,” she added smirking.

We asked Mrs Measleface about the “pound of flesh” scheme that was being introduced.

Pun

I think it’s a great idea, instead of paying actual pounds, like the money, you pay in pounds of flesh, like the weight – its almost like a pun isn’t it,” she explained moronically.

Big Stinking Shit

Jasmine Rentburger, a regular commuter from Maidenhead to London, told the Druid’s Loom, “I pay £3092 a year to travel to a place I hate, and home again, in a tortuous 3 hour round trip.  Yesterday, I boarded the train in London at 5.30pm, after a fucking crap day at work stood next to the toilet, where someone had just taken a great big stinking shit, for the duration.

I stay ‘stood’, I had to hand over my leg at the ticket office, so I was more slumped,” she added.

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