Shareholders in the Daily Mail were stunned today, when their portfolios were left almost worthless, after the announcement that cancer could be cured by a relatively straightforward vaccination.
The ‘news’paper, that makes a considerable sums of money by propagating fear and hate amongst the middle classes, has published faux science stories for the past 100 years that outline causes and cures for cancer.
Bread and Butter
“Cancer scare stories are our bread and butter.” Editor Paul Dacre, told The Druid’s Loom. “Without these baseless anecdotes I estimate our readership will fall by 50%”
Mr Dacre is not without a plan to resolve the situation and hopes that he has a solution that will put shareholder’s minds at rest.
“Over the next few months I will get my best journalists to smear the scientists who are working on this life saving drug. There will be a targeted campaign to destroy their reputation so that the product never reaches the pharmacy shelves. Some fake emails sent to the right people and outing a few scientists as child molesters should do the trick.” He said.
When asked how they would ensure that they will retain their readers before this campaign takes effect, Mr Dacre explained.
“We have the EU referendum coming up, that’s four months of xenophobic bile that we will be busy ejaculating into the faces of our readers – I doubt they will notice the missing cancer stories”.