Terry Kumquat explained that since his wife found the BBC recipe website, his life has turned into a living nightmare.
“She thinks that if she downloads Nigella’s recipe, to make a garlic infused lamb steaks, with pine kernels and rosemary it will taste good,” an exasperated Terry told us. “However, what she doesn’t realise is that Nigella is a wealthy woman. She has a BBC programming budget at her disposal and has the time to carefully prepare the meal before serving up a masterpiece.“
“We on the other hand, live on the minimum wage and both work full time, in arduous jobs. That means we arrive home tired and in the need of a quick meal,” Mr Kumquat continued. “My wife also forgets she is a culinary fuckwit. She doesn’t know the difference between a sprig of rosemary, and handful of fucking pine needles,” he raged.
Mr Kumquat was outraged when he was served up a meal, where the gravy tasted like ‘pine fresh’ toilet cleaner.
“It was disgusting. I was picking needles out of my teeth for hours! She couldn’t find pine kernels in the local Spar either, so she used dry roasted peanuts.” Terry complained. “I will just be glad when these damn recipes are taken down and we can go back to pizza, microwave meals and going to the chippy again,” he sighed longingly.
The BBC recipes will be gradually removed over the next few weeks along with most other things. The website will then become a propaganda outlet for the Conservative Party, with loads of articles saying what a dick Jeremy Corbyn is.