“Die at Your Desk”, Government tells Middle Aged Workers

With reports that life expectancy is falling and with yet another increase in the state pension age - workers in their late 30's and early 40's were today told by the Government to 'die working'.

Planning to Retire? Forget it and Just Die
Planning to Retire? Forget it and Just Die.
caio_triana / Pixabay

Middle aged workers, were today told by the Government, that despite paying their pension contributions for nearly 50 years they really should just curl up and die.

This was despite a report earlier this week claiming that life expectancy was falling.

Kill Off
We have solved the pension crisis“, explained ecstatic cunt, and Tory spokesperson, Rupert Silver-Spoon. “Basically, if we will kill off the middle aged workers they wont need a pension!

Burdensome
This has other benefits too; such as freeing up housing, NHS waiting lists, and other social services. It’s a great way to get rid of a burdensome 1/3 of society.

It seems that workers collapsing of a heart-attack at the desk they have been chained to for 47 years is the most preferable way of solving the pension ‘crisis’.

Morgue
There will be barriers to overcome admittedly,” Mr Silver-Spoon explained. “Workplaces will be required to fit stair-lifts and extra toilet breaks, for their elderly workers. We are also advising all offices with over 20 employees to have a morgue installed in the basement.”

Catheter
42 year old, data processor, Gavin Fuckedoff, told the Druid’s Loom. “My mum is 65 and has had a new hip, my dad is 67, struggles to remember the day of the week and urinates through a catheter.”

“Let’s face it – working at 68? – It’s not going to happen is it?” he added.

Meanwhile, the fucking Government will use all the spare national insurance contributions to give  themselves another fucking pay rise and retire at 55, with a luxury fucking pension; and probably build another fucking railway that costs £403 million per mile.

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