In the shock discovery, the Archbishop of Canterbury found out yesterday. that he was the son of the evil Sith lord, Darth Vader.
A blood test also revealed the presence of midi-chlorians, the microscopic symbiotic life-forms that allow the host to feel the presence of The Force.
“The midi-chlorians are in a high enough concentration to allow the Archbishop to actively channel the force to do his bidding, which means he is technically a Jedi,” medical expert Julie Witherflaps told the Druid’s Loom. “Unless he turns to the dark side of course,” she continued smirking. “The Force is strong with this one!” she added.
Leader of the Empire
The Archbishop is said to be coming to terms with the fact that his father was the leader of the Empire and one of the most evil beings in the galaxy.
“Christianity is a religion that practices forgiveness, as does the Jedi order,” Welby explained. “Since I am both I think I should be able to find it in my heart to forgive my father for his sins – including the destruction of Alderan. That’s hard though, because it was a whole planet.“
Donald Trump’s Arse
When we asked him what he plans to do with his new found heritage he thought for a moment and told us – “Well – I need to go to the Dagobah system to complete my Jedi training – then who knows? Perhaps take a trip to America and shove my lightsabre up Donald Trump’s arse!“