Duchess to Do Own Mob Hits After Chief Fixer Retires

Duchess of Cambridge is to learn the ancient art of wetworks after her right hand woman selfishly retires.

Can cut you with a steak, dinner and fish knife, all in the correct order.
Can cut you with a steak, dinner and fish knife, all in the correct order.
Image Reproduced Under the cc-by-2.0 License . Land Rover MENA

Private Secretary to the Duchess of Cambridge, Simone Walker, is set to retire, forcing her highness to finally take on the responsibly of doing to do her own mob hits.

International Piracy
Walker, regarded by many as Kate’s right hand clad in a medieval, be-knuckle dustere-ed gauntlet, leaves the royal household after 6 years of service to pursue new opportunities in trafficking, racketeering and the growing field of international piracy.

Cilit Bang
The couple are reported to be, ‘Well gutted’ to be losing their chief fixer. A Kensington spokesperson had this to say, ‘Miss Walker will be sincerely missed. She got Wills and Kate out of many a tricky wicket, the Cilit Bang to the red wine spilt all over the cream shag pile of diplomatic relations. She won’t be easy to replace; it’s so hard to find someone with loyalty, discretion and the uncanny ability to find the exact location for a shallow grave where the police won’t look.’

River Island
Walker’s tenure with duchess began at the ladyship’s wedding after she cold cocked a bitch going back for a third helping of sausage rolls. During her term she redressed many a royal gaff, including the disappearance of a journalist who repeated referred to the Duchesses’ designer dresses as ‘Cheap and ‘River Island-y’ and a member of her grace’s mums group who said baby George’s shirts made him look like kind of hedge fund manager that would snort up a company’s retirement pot then spend the change on hair plugs, pop tarts and three star hookers round the back of an airport parkway’s Premier Inn.

Sources say the former Miss Middleton is excited to be taking on a new challenge and has been spotted enthusiastically shopping for hacksaws, pliers and bulk orders of plastic sheeting at her local B&Q.


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