Sucking & Blowing
In order to cope with the UK’s inadequate response to the Coronavirus crisis, the British Government has ordered Dyson to produce ventilators, in a vain attempt to help victims of the disease.
“I say, waffle bluffle. I can’t think of a company better placed to make ventilators,” village idiot, Boris Johnson told the Druid’s Loom. “They make jolly spiffing stuff that sucks and blows. If I know nothing else about ventilators, it’s that they do both, waffle, spluffle,” he said unconvincingly.
Staunch brexiteer and crap inventor, James Dyson wasn’t so sure about the idea. “Since backing Brexit, and all things British, I have moved all my manufacturing plants to Singapore. To be honest, with the current Covid-19 crisis and trade issues arising from far eastern countries I can’t see be being able to facilitate this properly,” he explained with a fucking big grin on his face.
“Also the stuff I make either sucks or blows – they never do both. I have my flimsy vacuum cleaners that suck, and my ultra noisy hand dryers that blow. But the Government are going to give me a huge fucking grant, so I’ll give it a go.” he added, rubbing his hands with glee.
Coronavirus victim, Mr Jack Merrybum, has been testing the prototype Dyson ventilator from his hospital bed, in Gloucester.
“The first thing that strikes you about this £1million machine is how cheap and nasty it looks. It’s got garishly coloured plastic bits, and strange shapes all over it. It boasts a digital motor, whatever that is, and unparalleled vortex suction.” he told us.
“It’s a little bit too powerful for its own good too,” he explained. “When it sucked, or ‘breathed out’ for me, the doctor had to come in and scrape bits of my lung off the wall.”
“‘Breathe in’, or blow mode is the worse though. It popped my bollocks right out of my scrotum.” he added.