Esther McVey to Have Heart-of-Stone Removed in Operation

Esther McVey, the Work and Pensions Secretary, is expected to make medical history this week as she becomes the first person to have a heart-of-stone removed. The Conservative MP for Tatton will then receive a human heart from an anonymous donor.

I Don't Have a Heart - ThisImage is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license.
I Don’t Have a Heart – Image is licensed under the CC  2.0 Generic license.

McVey, 40, had been on the transplant list for the last seven years. However a new heart had not been forthcoming as potential donors are said to have been sickened at the prospect of giving posthumous aid to a Conservative MP.

Anxious McVey

News of a suitable organ becoming available has been welcomed by McVey who is rumoured to be anxious to tone down her well-deserved reputation as a thoroughly unpleasant human being.

Shite-Hawkes

To explore why it had taken so long to secure a suitable heart we tracked down a former registered organ donor, Gail Openshaw, 46. She told us that she ripped-up her card when she discovered that McVey was on the transplant list. She explained in no uncertain terms her feelings on the matter,  “I said to the transplant Coordinator – You must be fucking joking pal? I’d sooner my organs were thrown in the Mersey for shite-hawks to scavenge than be used to help that oxygen thief.

Bereft of Compassion

Doctors are confident that the 14-hour procedure will be a success and that McVey’s body will not reject the new organ as it is understood that the recently deceased donor was as soulless, cruel and bereft of compassion as its recipient.

Sanctions

Announcing this revolutionary procedure at a press conference earlier today, Dr Frederick Rathbone, the lead consultant, quipped, – “She had better turn up on time, or we will have to apply a sanction.

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