“Every School” to Become a Soulless Corporate Hell-Hole

George Osborne is expected to announce in his budget speech that all schools will no longer be underfunded and full of tired,  overworked staff and pupils. They will be underfunded, full of tired overworked staff and pupils AND be part of a failing academy chain, run by a CEO earning over £400,000 a year.

The cost of changing these signs to say 'academy', is expceted to cost £1m
The cost of changing these signs to say ‘academy’, is expected to cost £1m
ColinG / Pixabay

All schools will be forced to become a mind numbing hell-hole by 2020.  Schools will no longer be the hub of the community but instead be part of a ‘cluster’ or academy chain – where the CEO is simply a profit whore on a six figure salary.


Academy expert Jason Glottlestop told our reporter, “Much of the extra funding provided for an academy is usually spent on ‘re-branding’ the product, so it fits in with the corporate identity of the sponsor. ‘All Saints High School’ may become ‘SchoolsRUs West 43b ltd’ for example. This is usually accompanied by an unnecessary, and very expensive uniform change, that parents have to pay for.

Meeting Rooms

Mr Glottlestop went on to explain, “The remainder of the funding is spent on consultants, legal teams and meeting rooms, so many fucking meeting rooms.”

Parental Choice

Marjorie Bumflick, a spokesperson from the Department of Education twitched a bit and told the Druid’s Loom, “This Government has always been about parental choice. We have always wanted parents to be able to choose the school that is right for their child.

Mindless Waffle

We pointed out that that was just mindless waffle was nothing to do with the current situation so Marjorie stuttered and added “Many parents were really against academies and didn’t want to choose them and fought to stop them. By forcing schools to become academies they no longer have to worry about this element of choice. We are the Government that makes it easier!

Parents will soon be able to choose an array of depressing soulless ‘learning buildings’  that destroy individuality and rip the hearts out of their children.


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Elaine R, Derby
March 16, 2016 13:06

Ha Ha Ha!! Suck it teachers – you you will know what its like to do some real work for a change. You have had it too easy for too long.

Wake up and smell the coffee !!

Jobs Worth
March 16, 2016 15:57

What do you do for a living? Are you an MP?

Richard D
March 16, 2016 16:04

Popular comment from Elaine!!

teaching whore
March 16, 2016 19:59

I was almost laughing because it is so absurd but then crying because it’s true.

The Spidermonkey
March 17, 2016 12:12

Hmm, obviously Elaine had a bad time at school. Maybe the teachers gave her a hard time because of her tendency to sound off on subjects that she knows nothing about at all, and as a result she’s grown up with a chip on her shoulder. I bet she’s suspicious of all clever people, and takes pride in her ignorance.

June 19, 2016 20:07

You mean she’s actually Nicky Morgan?

Oliver Heslop
March 16, 2016 14:24

I was really interested in the content of this, based on the title. I want to know more, but the article is so angry and abusive in parts. Disappointing. Am no fan of George – better info please

March 16, 2016 17:40

I’m not sure you do make them up as most of your education stories and bang on the money.
You aren’t a former teacher are you?!

June 19, 2016 20:09

Did you ever, or have you ever considered writing for the sun?

Mrs Green
March 17, 2016 13:39

I think you mean “profit sex worker”. Let’s try to be PC here. Mind you, they will still shag the life out of the education system for money and with very little personal input or emotion. So…profit whore it is!