Film Critic Fired

A Glasgow based film critic has been arrested for wounding 46 cinema goers with a child's catapult.  

Silly Actor Names - Woman Snaps
Silly Actor Names – Woman Snaps
PublicDomainPictures / Pixabay – CC0

One onlooker who survived the attack commented – “It all started with her open disapproval of the opening credit names in the introduction of the movie. She started yelling ” where the hell are the iconic Hollywood names? – I think she expected a star-studded cast –

HILDA SPLAT
SID PIPES
TED SPLODGE
CHARLIE SMAT

The audience started giggling and this further incensed her. She yelled ” shut up you puerile bunch – where are damn names in this movie!”

FANNY STUMP
GERTRUDE PUFF
OLIVE CRUMPLE
DR. BILL SLOP

The chuckles gained momentum with each silly name credited – “what the hell are you laughing at? – and keep it down will you! she said.

HERBERT PAP
LORD SPONGE
MOLLY FLAP
MO CHIPS

The audience roared in hysterics – the woman screamed  “Where is Nicholson? Curtis? Streep? Cruise? De Niro? – and will you please shut up!”

ALFIE SNACK
BOB FLANGE
TREVOR SMESH
STAN BUFF

The whole cinema guffawed to the point of passing out – making animal noises – coughing their cinema snacks into the air.

CYRIL CHURMS
CEDRIC BUNCE
GEOFF SQUIRMES
MAGGIE PINGO

The audience screamed with joy – tears running down their faces, rolling down the isle with their legs in the air. Then the woman stood up – pulled out a catapult and mildly damaged them all.”

In the subsequent police interview she was asked by the interviewing officer why she had committed such an appalling atrocity. “Well they were making so much noise they would have ruined the silent film” she explained.

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