Final Piece of Christmas Cake Consumed

After a month lying on the kitchen work surface, untidily wrapped in tin foil, the final piece of last Christmas cake 2015 has been consumed in a moment of desperation.

Hard nuts and gritty raisins

Jayden explained this morning, “I don’t even like Christmas cake, it’s far too filling to eat over the festive period. They are always full of really hard nuts, and gritty raisins that give me the shits. The only reason why we have it at all is because my mum makes one for each of her children.”

However, on the morning of 26th January, a hung over Jayden succumbed to the traditional yuletide treat.

Couldn’t be arsed

“I had the shakes and was craving sugar badly. On searching through the cupboards all I could find was dried pasta, and a few ‘Jacobs Cream Crackers’ that had gone all soft where the packet had been left open.” Jayden explained. “Ideally I would have had a can of Coke and a Double Decker, but that would have involved going down the shops, and I couldn’t be arsed”.

The traditional British Christmas cake, contains nearly three kilograms of nuts and dried fruit that has been soaked in alcohol. Mix that with a further kilogram of sugar and cake base and one creates a calorific nightmare providing a one way ticket to “Type 2 Diabetes-ville”.

Stomach cramps

Later that day, whilst sat on the toilet with stomach cramps, Jayden defended his decision not to throw the cake away. “My mum baked it, you can’t just chuck it away can you? It’s just not right”.


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Barry Braindead
January 25, 2016 19:18

Personally I blame public sector workers for this. What with their gold plated pensions and “elf ‘n safety”. The have caused the problems the sugar tax and obesity crisis.

Jemima Peaface
January 25, 2016 19:22

I agree with Barry. He needn\’t worry though, by next year public sector workers will probably cancel Christmas and replace with with Festimas or something. This is political correctness gone mad!

Paul That Dj From Radio
January 25, 2016 22:18

My grandma was the nicest woman to have ever walked this earth, but yet with all the grandchildren running around under her feet being a nuisance through out the whole year, my gran had one suttle way in getting all us brats back. With a smile on her face and a cheer in her voice she would shout out to us brats from the kitchen. “Children come and get your mince pies” We would run to get the nicest and best mince pie from the big baking tin. And they looked perfect they smelt perfect and we were all sure… Read more »