Universally misunderstood Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson has expressed concern (and an inability to interpret his job title correctly) at plans to stop himself and other foreign people using the NHS.
Miss Matilda Clackpants spokesperson for Johnson said ‘ Boris had no idea (standard) that by signing his contract and job description he would automatically become foreign, this has left Boris bewildered and befuddled (from birth).
The blonde bombshell was said to have turned the air blue (hair blonde) in the foreign office and alarm was raised when Boris referred to a ‘grumbling appendix’ on several occasions, a sigh of relief wafted through parliament when it became apparent that this was a nickname ‘ call me Dave’ had given him at Eton.
An adviser to the special adviser to the very special adviser to the special Foreign Secretary commented ‘ The fact that Boris is giving the NHS three hundred and fifty million quid a week appears to have fallen on deaf ears. For the foreign secretary to have to produce his passport or electricity bill to get treatment is incredulous this leaves me no option other than to explain to the foreign secretary what an electricity bill is, this is typical of the EU’.
Rumours abound that a crisis meeting between Richard Branson fanatic Stan Laurel aka the Health Secretary and Johnson are due to be held this morning. On the agenda is Johnson’s long standing problem with between the legs ‘chubb chaff’ a condition related to bicycle riding and friction. Laurel expressed his concerns ‘ If he can’t help me get this piano up these steps because of chubb chaff I don’t know what i’m going to do, last time we tried and failed somebody put the black and white grainy found footage on You Tube and made us a laughing stock, well that’s not happening again, i’m not having another fine mess, not on my watch’
*** BREAKING NEWS ***
The Health Secretary Stan Laurel has issued the following statement: I have informed my honourable friend and fellow avoider of responsibility the waffley versatile Foreign Secretary that no matter how hard I try I cannot privatise the NHS by tomorrow therefore he is ineligible for chubb chaff treatment as he is indeed foreign . I have found no evidence to support his request for a refund of three hundred and fifty million pounds a week, back dated to the Brexit decision. After a heated conversation between brain cells it became apparent that the Foreign Secretary was confused, baffled and blancmanged. I have explained to him that the NHS is not based on Harley Street and never shall be, in fact the NHS actually stands for Not Harley Street. I wish the Foreign Secretary well with his wind and flatulence problems and hope that these personality traits clear up soon’.