Friday 13th Part IX: End of Days
As brainwashed Daily Mail, The Sun and Daily Express voted Conservative yesterday, they successfully plunged the country into the type of Dickensian dystopia that they have been yearning for all these years. A true Friday 13th.
“I say bring back the workhouses” garbled Carl Dickweed, long term unemployed drug addict. “Put all those foreigners who come over here in them make sure they do a job, instead of coming here and taking all the jobs.” he continued talking utter nonsense.
“Oh and get rid of the wateful NHS too. All it does it treat immigrants; coming over here and using our public services.” Mr Dickweed added, before leaving to go to the dentist to get his free treatment using a NHS tax credit certificate.
The Druid’s Loom then caught up with Mary Queef, queuing at a food bank, in order to feed her twelve children. “I shouldn’t have to be queuing here. According to the Mail Online food banks are the fault of the last Labour Government, back in 2008, or something. That’s why I voted Conservative.” she moaned, “Also I imagine it’s also the fault of all the immigration too, coming over hear, taking our food.” she exclaimed, before leaving to spend £40 on booze and fags.
Car thief, burglar and serial mugger, Demond Smallcock came storming across the road when he saw our reporters. “I read in the Sun that all these immigrants keep causing all the crimes in this country. Coming over here, doing all the bad stuff. That’s why I voted Conservative” he shouted wildly. “As Michael Gove suggested, they should bring back hanging!,” shaking his fist wildly. “But of course, only for the brown ones,” he added a little more meekly.
The Druid’s Loom approached, government official Raymond Weestain for a brief outline of the Government’s plans for the next five years. “I suppose we get this Brexit thing out the way first. Then our billionaire pals with offshore accounts will give us huge personal kickbacks, and we can live happy comfortable lives – well more than comfortable – luxurious lives.“
We asked him about the general population, the poor and the needy.
“The poor and needy? Well the newspapers will keep them on our side as we crush them from above. But in general terms…” he added smiling to himself. “They can fuck right off.”