Handcuffed at the Alter

A Bolton bride is left blushing at the alter whilst her skunk… pardon me… Hunk is left stoned faced in front of guests.

4.20 Wedding
4.20 Wedding
Public Domain Image

A Bolton bride was left blushing when a group of dedicated PCSO’S on push-bikes (with baskets) raided St Ben’s Church on Saturday 9th July about 11.00am.

Stoned
Chezza Smith was stood stoned at the altar about to marry, Speedy, when an almighty bang occurred from the church entrance. As the guests gasped in astonishment, 9 PCSO’S peddled up to the altar like Jason Kenny and handcuffed her!

Blushing Bride
Miss Smith, 22, was marched out of the church and thrown in to the back of a waiting cop van as the wedding party gasped in horror.
It soon became apparent that there was an issue with Chezza’s wedding bouquet – it was made from Cannabis leaves.
The blushing bride was rumbled when one of the choir boys noticed that Reverend Skinn was pissing his sides when trying to conduct the vows and asked the organist for a couple of packets of Monster Munch.

Munchies
The choir boy, who cannot be named for legal reasons, discreetly Watsapp’ed the coppers off his mobile phone because his parents present the same behaviour.

The boy told a Druid’s Loom reporter, “Reverend Skinn looked smashed and there was a very strong aroma. I knew something wasn’t right because when my Dad finishes a cigarette, he raids all the cupboards and eats a load of crisps and chocolate. Reverend Skinn was asking the organist for munchies and was happy – he’s never really happy, it was mad!

During the kerfuffle, the stranded groom, Speedy, from Tetley Avenue, (The Brewery Estate in Farnworth) kicked off and began to splash Holy Water out of the christening font at the PSCO’s as his bride to be was led away.

Speedy told The Druids Loom, “The pretend coppers were bang out of order! I didn’t want mi house to get busted whilst I was getting married so mi Mam made Chezza a wedding bouquet out of mi stash! When she was supposed to throw the bouquet to the wedding crew for good luck and all that, we planned it so my dealer would catch it so he could sell it for us to have a honeymoon at Pontins in Southport!

Diazepam
Speedy’s Mam, a retired Diazepam dealer, commented, “It should have been a buzzin day but everything’s gone tits up”!
A spokesperson from HMP Styal confirmed that Chezza and Speedy are planning to marry via video link in the near future.

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