Helpful Hunt!

by | 5th February 2016

Amid strikes from the Junior Doctor, an overstretched NHS and complications with the NHS 111 helpline non-medically trained Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt, offers his hints, and tips of how to deal with medical emergencies and procedures.

Helpful Hunt’s Handy Health Checker

  • Symptom – Trauma to the head: Use witch hazel to bring down any bruising, followed by some aspirin to relive any pain.
  • Symptom – Pain in chest and left arm: Probably indigestion. Take an anti-acid tablet or something, followed by some vigorous exercise in the fresh air.
  • Symptom – Broken Bones: Rest the affected limb, perhaps take some time off work (but not too much – lol). If the bone is sticking out of the skin, don’t forget to apply some ointment to the wound. We don’t want it getting infected.
  • Symptom – Oozing pustules on the genitals: Apply TCP.
  • Symptom – Loss of consciousness: Sleep it off. You’ll be fine.

 

Druid’s Loom Warning. Please note Jeremy’s advice is NOT endorsed by any medical organisation. Please do not follow it.

Phone line

On top of this advice I am about to launch my own health help-line, where you can phone me, Jeremy Hunt, and I will offer you hints and tips, of how to get fit and well again.

My help-line will be available from 10am until 4pm (closed between 12-2pm for lunch), Monday to Friday (early closing Friday). It’s also closed on bank holidays and for two weeks over Christmas. Oh, and it’s closed during parliament recesses, which is like months and months.

My new help-line is called “Complete Hunt”, and I plan to set it up after the next general election.

 

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