Helpful Hunt!

Amid strikes from the Junior Doctor, an over stretched NHS and complications with the NHS 111 helpline non-medically trained Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt, offers his hints, and tips of how to deal with medical emergencies and procedures.

A big Hunt
Total Hunt
Image courtesy of Tenga under the CC BY3.0 license.

Hello there readers! It’s Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt here; looking to give you medical advice and top tips on how to stay healthy.

Now it doesn’t take an idiot to realise that there are currently problems with our overstretched health service. In fact, I’ve made sure my department has fed the right wing press as many negative stories as possible about the NHS so I can lower public sympathy for those pesky Junior doctors who keep going on strike, moaning about their working hours and stuff.

As many of you are probably aware I have begun offering advice to sick people, who can’t afford private health care, on how they can avoid going to hospital. Only the other day, I explained how to use the internet to figure out if a rash on a child is serious or not.

Feel free to use Hunt’s Handy Health Checker below, to diagnose and treat some common ailments.

Hunt’s Handy Health Checker – Click for the Advice

Symptom – Trauma to the head
Use witch hazel to bring down any bruising, followed by some aspirin to relive any pain.
Symptom – Pain in chest and left arm
Probably indigestion. Take an anti-acid tablet or something, followed by some exercise in the fresh air.
Symptom – Oozing pustules on the genitals
 Apply TCP
Broken Bones
Rest the affected limb, perhaps take some time off work (but not too much – lol). If the bone is sticking out of the skin, don’t forget to apply some ointment to the wound. We don’t want it getting infected.
Symptom – Loss of consciousness
Sleep it off, you’ll be fine.

please note Jeremy’ s advice is NOT endorsed by any medical organisation. Please do not follow it.

MP's Holiday Dates
Fig 1 – MP’s Holiday Dates
Information taken from UK Parliament Website

On top of this advice I am about to launch my own health help-line, where you can phone me, Jeremy Hunt, and I will offer you hints and tips, of how to get fit and well again.

My help-line will be available from 10am until 4pm (closed between 12-2pm for lunch), Monday to Friday (early closing Friday). It’s also closed on bank holidays and for two weeks over Christmas. Oh, and it’s closed during parliament recesses – see fig 1 for the MP’s holiday dates.

My new help-line is called “Complete Hunt“, and I plan to set it up after the next general election.

 

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Make Brtain Great Again

These junior doctors are lazy people. How dare they strike and put life’s at risk. I pay my taxes for you to work for me! Personally all public sector workers should be paid in food vouchers. Keep the real money for the REAL workers!

A Doctor

Perhaps you should use some of that “Real” money to get a proper education. Learn how to spell you idiot.