HMRC Defends Putting People on Hold for Ages

The HMRC today defended its policy of keeping callers on their phone lines for as long as possible.

HMRC - Squeezing You Until You Squeak
HMRC – Squeezing You Until You Squeak
Image Modified Courtesy of Flickr Under the CC BY 2.0 License

Last year, tax payers were forced to pay £97 million in phone call charges to the HMRC. Many callers are placed on hold for up to an hour in order speak to a tax official. Senior HMRC bastard, George Soulgone told the Druid’s Loom why he approves of this policy.

Wonderful Cuts
Thanks to the wonderful cuts made at the HMRC, I had the fantastic opportunity to sack a load of our phone operatives. It was an amazing day, calling them into the big board room one at a time; looking sternly at them; and watching them break down as they were told the news. I actually found it rather arousing,” Mr Soulgone explained, with a sneer.

Expensive Suit
There was this one particular woman; a recent widow; with three young children to look after. She would lose her home without this job. She actually knelt and pleaded to keep it. At one point she even grabbed on to my leg, creasing my expensive suit. It was brilliant – I then got security to physically throw her out of the building on to the street in tears. I still laugh about it to this day,” he continued with a satanic look in his eye.

Darkened Room
As a result of the cuts the HMRC call centre is now just four pale looking people, who are locked in a tiny, darkened room for 22 hours a day. Call times have rocketed, which means that callers can be held ‘on hold’ for hours at a time.

It couldn’t have worked out better,” Mr Soulgone told us. “Not only have we saved loads of money by reducing staff, quite often callers – who in many cases are desperate to speak to someone, have to wait for hours and pay for the privilege. We raised £97million last year – I’m going to get a substantial bonus I expect!”

Over-Tax
Mr Soulgone then explained if someone has been ‘accidentally” over-taxed they are placed on hold for so long that they actually just give up. “It’s perfect on so many levels. They pay for a really long call AND continue to pay too much tax!” he sniggered.

Free Lunch
We questioned Mr Soulgone how if someone under-pays their tax, they get to hear from HRMC almost instantly.

Oh, that’s a different call centre manned by about 8000 people,” he explained, before rushing off for a free lunch with the people at Google.

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