A Hollywood film producer was arrested in a red light district of London yesterday.
Ricky Sazvafraz 56, told The Druids Loom – “I was sat in my car talking to a lovely lady and suddenly a policeman tapped on the car window. I rolled the window down and he asked me what I was doing with my trousers around my ankles – and why did I have a rubber instrument embedded into my flesh cave.
I told him I was a Hollywood Movie producer searching the streets for a singer to audition for the role of Julie Andrews in a re-make of ‘The Sound Of Music’. The officer said – ‘she can’t play Julie Andrews – she’s wearing dentures’. I told him “officer, I’m not prepared to reject this lady’s singing talent – just because when she sings ‘do a deer – a female deer’ her dentures fly out and hit a child in the eye – causing permanent blindness – I will not discriminate the dentured”.
The officer said – “she can’t play Julie Andrews – she’s vastly overweight. How did she even manage to get into your car?, did you have to stick your foot in her ass and push?”. I told him – “officer, please don’t be so crass. I will not dismiss this lady’s screen appeal – based on her physical imperfections, even if that does mean she’s so heavy we have to drag her by a tractor and rope through cow shit as she screams hysterically – just to get her to the top of the hill so she can sing – Climb Every Mountain”.
The officer then said “she can’t play Julie Andrews – she’s got a tattoo of a sandwich on her neck”. I snapped – “officer, you really are a superficial individual aren’t you?, and if I may say so – prejudice. Have you no imagination for the arts? do you mean to tell me there is no market out there for a Julie Andrews with a cheese, ham, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and cucumber sandwich tattoo on her neck?”.
“She can’t play Julie Andrews – she’s about sixty nine years old” said the officer. I pointed out that many a good tune could be played by an old fiddle – and that includes singing. The officer said – “let’s here this audition then”, so I asked the lady – “The Hills Are Alive With The Sound Of Music please – in your own time”. The lady told me she couldn’t sing so I screamed – “you can’t sing? you can’t sing?, right get out of my car you toothless, tattooed, old lump!”
Excited anti-royalists have braved the inclement weather and set up camp outside the Funeral Directors to the Royal Household, eagerly awaiting news on the imminent passing of Prince Philip, the Duke of Edinburgh.
The Daily Mail is considering a bid to buy Yahoo and turn the internet into a turd pile of hate and bigotry. By combining the racist and homophobic rants of Richard Littlejohn, with the gaudy tabloid style of Yahoo, the resulting online megalith will quite literally be the stuff of nightmares.