Ill-wishers gather to await news of Prince Philip’s passing

Excited anti-royalists have braved the inclement weather and set up camp outside the Funeral Directors to the Royal Household, eagerly awaiting news on the imminent passing of Prince Philip, the Duke of Edinburgh.

 

Quick or slow. Just as long as he goes. Image distributed under the CC 2.0 SA License
Quick or slow. Just as long as he goes. Image distributed under the CC 2.0 SA License

Despite no official announcement of a firm date when Prince Philip will depart, ill-wishers have gathered en masse in the hope of catching a glimpse of his lifeless husk taking its final journey.

Parking Restrictions

The funeral home has already taken steps to prepare for the happy day by imposing parking restrictions, cordoning off a space for the world’s media, and inviting bids for a mobile fast food concession and several fairground attractions.

Buck House

Regicide enthusiast, John Green, 36, who had travelled all the way from Doncaster, told us that, “I can’t wait for some good news. In an age of austerity, when folk are struggling to make-ends-meet, this could be just the boost the country needs. Who could fail to get that feel-good-factor at seeing Prince Philip’s liver-spotted cadaver being wheeled out of Buck House?

Balsa-wood

Jed Demspey, 49, a local man here with his wife, had already got into the party mood by constructing miniature balsa-wood gallows. “Its just a bit of harmless fun!”, bellowed a visibly inebriated Jed. His fellow ill-wishers would agree; his unusual construction has become a real talking point amongst revellers, acting as the backdrop for many selfies.

Peasants

Not everyone is in the mood for celebration. The official Royal Undertaker, Sir Baldwin Buckmaster-Finch, issued a brief statement in which he described attending ill-wishers as “peasants” and “lazy ne’er-do-wells who need to find themselves jobs.

Thankfully, the Duke of Edinburgh was unavailable for comment.

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Burt

What are the chances of an 747 engine dropping off the wing as it climbs away from Heathrow over Windsor castle on the wedding day of number 2 ginger son and wipes the whole bloody lot of them out.

Dagenham Doris

Wow at last a site which tells the truth. You know him being a shapeshifting lizard will come back as the new royal baby.