Britain was brought to a standstill today as rumours of snow caused airports and hospitals to close. Heavy rumours swept in from the Atlantic and are expected to remain over the UK until sometime in August, when the focus will shift to talk of a scorching heatwave. According to the Met Office, the amount of bullshit has broken all records.
Accident and Emergency departments have been inundated with Daily Star readers who have been rocked by shock and fury. A spokesman for the Star told The Druid’s Loom – ‘We’re living in Great Brrr-itain! Snow what I mean?’
The Swedish embassy in London has warned its nationals to avoid reading British newspapers in case they piss themselves laughing. But on a more positive note, retailers predict bumper sales on the high street as plucky Brits stock up on extra underpants, petrol, and lard.
Melanie Phillips and Toby Young were unavailable for comment. Which probably means they’re stuck in a lift somewhere.