Taking time out from running his hospital trolley manufacturing plants the Secretary for Health and vacuous shithouse Jeremy Hunt took his NHS invisibility badge off today to damn NHS staff with faint praise – leading to a national shortage of vomit bowls.
Staff Nurse Madame Pompidou explained the effects, “When I heard the words ‘hard working’ I felt a gurgle in my stomach and felt I needed to sit down but I’m only on an eighteen hour shift so that would lead to disciplinary action. Besides we’ve no chairs anyway. He then uttered the words ‘great job’ which brought upon a wave of nausea I’ve never experienced before. I went to get a sip of water but then I realised that’s gross misconduct.“
Patient Mr Heath Teeth who was admitted for a bilateral bollockectomy took up the story. “I call him the Minister for Cods and Wallop and as soon as he said ‘two thousand more nurses’ and three thousand more doctors’ that’s when Nurse Pompidou covered me head to toe in spew. She also did a bit of a shit which she thinks I don’t know about“.
“I’ve not only been lied to by the government, I’ve been lied on this fucking floor for three weeks,” he added.
Fears that the moronvirus may also affect the bowels has lead to extreme levels of stress for staff who are already at breaking wind point. Having already affected the bile lie detectors of all NHS staff it would appear the lies are so deeply entrenched when infecting honest people that bowel seepage is inevitable. Fear turned into reality when physio Juliet Twat-Corbett and occupational therapist Debbie Dizzy-Dance contracted explosive diarrhoea and were immediately sacked for going to the toilet. They have both gone on to a successful career in politics.
On analysis of the faint praise words, Pathologist Kieron Kung-Fu admitted to being completely baffled. “Under the microscope these words appear as obvious lies that nobody believes apart from the source, however when the actual truth that everybody knows attempts to destroy these lies they are somehow impregnable. It’s absolutely remarkable, it’s a strain of bullshit I’ve never come across.“
Hate for All Things NHS
Red Cross Deputy Director Mr Sean Lampard said ” This is a humanitarian crisis of the highest magnitude, we would urge the Secretary for Privatisation to choose his lies more carefully and to go back to his honest disdain and hate for all things NHS. The staff need to go back to the good old days when everything Mr Hunt said made them laugh uncontrollably.“
Next week: The Government unveil their Bring your own Bed to Hospital Policy