The British honours system was left in tatters today after it was revealed that all of the recipients were not convicted child sex perverts.
“It’s a disgrace,” bellowed Paul Gadd aka Garry Glitter, former pop, and child molester. “I spent the best years of my life travelling the world, to shit-holes like Cambodia to abuse my victims and yet I was left off the New Year’s honours list.“
“With the likes of Jimmy Saville, Rolf Harris and Stuart Hall all getting something, you would think I’d be right up there,” the disgusting bastard added.
Sports Direct boss, Mike Ashley, was also left incandescent with rage after a failure to include him on the list.
“Fucking bastard fucking!” he shouted, whilst throwing one of those massive Sports Direct cups across the room.
“Phillip Green totally screwed over all his employees and nicked off with their pensions – he got a bastard knighthood!” Mr Ashley moaned.
“I treat my workforce like utter shit, giving them timed toilet breaks and make them give birth in afore-mentioned toilets. The working conditions in my workhouse; sorry warehouse, are fucking terrible.“
“I better not be overlooked again next year, or I’ll march round to the palace and give the Queen a piece of my mind“, he added before kicking over a coffee table.
After a request from The Druid’s Loom, Harry Sphincter-Spasm, head of the New Years Honours related stuff, explained “We apologise for the lack of sex offenders and complete bastards on this years honours list. We will do all we can next year to make amends, by including Katie Hopkins, Nigel Farage and Kelvin Mackenzie.”