Bosses of a local zoo offered their apologies today, to a young man who had been held captive in a case of mistaken identity.
Mel Gibbon had been out celebrating his 21st birthday with friends, they were all wearing animal fancy dress costumes as planned. By the end of the night the birthday boy and his friends were completely rat arsed, on the journey home Mel decided to take a shortcut across the wasteland to the rear of the zoo.
“Cutting over the wasteland gets me home 10 minutes quicker, I’d been on the Bishops Finger all night and I couldn’t walk straight so the quicker I got home, got out of my monkey onesie and into bed the better“, Mel tells us.
Falling on its arse
Zoo security spotted Mr Gibbon attempting to scale a wall within the wasteland and failing terribly, they had mistaken him for an escaped primate of some sort. Our reporter spoke with one of the guards who were on duty.
“I couldn’t actually say what time the monkey broke out, we were out in the zoo teasing the crocodiles with a doll from the lost and found for a good while. When we got back to the surveillance shack we noticed a monkey on one of the monitors, trying to climb a wall. The monkey kept falling on its arse, it was like watching a Chihuahua trying to mount a Great Dane“, the guard explained.
It was only when he stopped to urinate that the guards deemed it safe to intervene. Armed with tranquillizer guns and bananas for bait, the guards rushed to the scene. Mr Gibbon was sedated and captured without struggle, he was then taken chimp house. Mr Gibbon recalls what he can remember of the ordeal.
“I was bleeding my radiator up the wall when something hit me on the back of the head and made me pee down my leg. I turned round to deliver a bollocking but got hit with a cluster of and bananas and blow darts. It all went dark after that. The next thing I know, I’m waking up to the smell of rotting fruit and shit, and a chimpanzee that looked like my old geography teacher, sat on my chest with its finger in my mouth. I don’t know whether it was the hangover from the Bishops Finger, or the thought of where that monkeys finger had been, but I felt sick. I tried to stay calm but I’ve seen Planet of the Apes enough times to know what these barbaric creatures are capable of, I screamed like a girl“.
Zoo keepers heard the scream and rushed to the chimp house, after fighting through the crowd of laughing visitors they released Mel, who by this time was shaking like a shitting dog. Bosses say they are deeply sorry for the mix up and have offered Mr Gibbon a job as male model for posters advertising monkey mating demonstrations.