Jacob Gurgletube, a 40 year old care worker from who lives in Lincolnshire was devastated this morning when he discovered he might be an enemy of the people.
“I was chatting to a few friends last night about speed cameras, the new “Dr Strange”, film and the benefits of LED lighting,” he explained. “Then the conversation strayed on Brexit. I just said I thought that it’s probably a bad thing. Then I remembered that headline in the Daily Mail.“
Jacob suddenly realised that he was one of those ‘remaniacs’, a ‘bremoaner’ and a load of other shit that the Daily Mail has made up. Worse, he realised he was now an ‘Enemy of the People.”
“I was horrified,” he told us. “I’ve always tried to be an upstanding citizen. I’ve worked hard all my life, paid my taxes, done 10K runs for charity etc – but here I am, utter scum of the earth.“
Mr Gurgletube is concerned now that he will be torn apart by the press having every nuance of his personal background scrutinised and exaggerated by unscrupulous ‘journalists’.
Drunk, Gay and Volunteers with Children
“I hope they don’t delve into my past,” Jacob, who also gives up his evenings to coach the local junior swimming team, said anxiously. “I got drunk once, when I was 18 and passed out on the high street. The police gave me a lift home and everything. Also I am gay – Richard Littlejohn and Katie Hopkins will have a field day with that.“
Editor of the Daily Mail, Paul Dacre told the Druid’s Loom, “That little homo, is a disgusting specimen of a human being. We will make sure that he has no life to live after this. As there is no death penalty in this country (yet) we will do everything we can to drive that sexual deviant to suicide.“
“A couple questionably written stories about how a drunken gay man to likes to watch young boys swimming, should do it“, he grinned, through his yellow teeth.
Our reporter asked the editor of the Daily Mail whether or not Mr Gurgletube was entitled to free speech over his opinions.
“Freedom of Speech is very important to us, when it suits us,” he explained “Now fuck off,” he added.