The Mayor of Weldonchester, Horace Flange, is boycotting the circulation of the new polymer £5 notes, due to them being as much use as a condom machine at a Star Trek convention.
Mayor Flange told The Druid’s Loom that, although the material is durable and the notes would survive a nuclear fallout or a swim in a piss filled toilet, they are harmful to people the likes of himself and should be banned.
According to Mayor Flange, polymer fivers are “crap for wiping your ring piece with”, and would rather use sandpaper. He predicts several other Mayors will come forward and say the same.
Shaun Weldon caught up with Mayor Flange in the town hall’s executive shit house for a few words on the matter.
“The people of Weldonchester are dying to get their hands on these fancy space age notes, the novelty of being able to leave money in the pockets of their replica Armani jeans during a wash cycle excites them. A lot of people say I throw money down the toilet, they’re not wrong, I wipe my arse with £5 notes”, he admits.
“These new notes cut me to ribbons though, they leave my bum hole looking like a fresh bullet wound”, Mayor Flange furiously tells us.
NOT AT THIS ADDRESS
Banks in Weldonchester are adhering to Mayor Flange’s wishes and are returning the polymer fivers with a note reading, “NOT AT THIS ADDRESS”, to prevent anymore from being sent. “I completely agree with Mayor Flange on this one, I wouldn’t want a shredded balloon knot either”, says one bank manager.
“I’m going to have to try it before sending the notes back though, just so I can say that Winston Churchill has touched my arse”, he added with a wink.