McDonalds to Decommission ‘Human” employees.

McDonalds announced today that it has begun trialling the use of robots in certain 'restaurants'. The fast-food giant believes they are cheaper, cleaner and offer a much more welcoming customer service experience, than their human counterpart.

Robots - They don't shag each other in the burger bun cupboard.
McRobots – They don’t shag each other on the burger buns.
Vijayanarasimha / Pixabay

Following the increase in the minimum wage in the US and the introduction of the living wage in the UK, McDonalds restaurants are looking at ways in which they can reduce costs.

Burger Giant
As there is no further scope to reduce the quality of their ‘food’, the burger giant is now considering the use of robots as a replacement for human employees.

Right Ball Ache
Human beings employed in our restaurants , have always been a large cost burden” explained Clint Junkerbitch, a spokesman for McDonalds. “They expect to be paid actual money, for the so-called ‘work’ they do.  In addition we have to comply with loads of employee and health and safety legislation. This is a right ball ache, and costs tonnes.

Unskilled Morons
The type of employee we attract are basically sixth-formers and unskilled morons. The are lazy, ugly and often have poor personal hygiene,” Mr Junkerbitch added.  “Not only that, last month we had to sack two young employees because they were caught having sex on a pallet of burger-buns. Fortunately after 20 seconds in the microwave they were as good as new. That’s the buns, not the employees – lol!”

Specialist Robots
McDonalds have recently been trialling the use of specialist robots to take over the majority of the preparation and serving roles. Feedback has been very encouraging, with many customers seeing a big improvement in service.

Squashed, Inedible Mess
The robots are quicker and run a self-cleaning cycle every 15 minutes,” Mr Junkerbitch explained. “The food now looks much more like the pictures on the menu as opposed to a squashed, inedible mess.  Some customers have welcomed the improved conversation and customer care offered by these machines.

When asked if there were any issues that the company has faced in the trial, Mr Junkerbitch told us:

We haven’t yet managed to get the robots to clean the toilets properly, but then, neither did the human employees.

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