Mike Ashley Denies Maltreatment at Sports Direct Workhouse

Sports Direct CEO, Mike Ashley, strenuously denied claims that he treats his staff like commodities rather than human beings, in a press conference yesterday.

Mike Ashley, at the Sports Direct Workhouse, Yesterday
Mike Ashley, at the Sports Direct Workhouse, Yesterday

Mr Ashley explained that staff at Sports Direct definitely did not work in conditions akin to Victorian workhouses.

Zero Hour
It’s a disgrace,” he exclaimed vociferously, in front of the British Media. “I let these ‘people’ into my premises, on flexible zero hour contracts, to help me to make as much fucking profit as I can.  

You’d think they would be satisfied just to be able to do that, but they also expect some form of payment too.

Mr Ashley enjoys visiting the Sports Direct workhouse, in his massive fucking helicopter, so he can pace around intimidating his workers.

Last week, one young urchin came up to me and asked for more money, as he claimed he was being paid less than the minimum wage,” the sweaty CEO explained.

“‘MORE’, I shouted at him, ‘YOU want MORE!’  I would have beaten him to within an inch of his life, but in these days of political correctness, I just phoned the agency and made sure he was taken off the work roster. It’s easier that way, it avoids any unfair dismissal tribunals,” he added.

Sports Direct, Yesterday
Sports Direct, Yesterday
Modified Public Domain Image

Accidents Happen
The Druid’s Loom pressed Mr Ashley about the safety record of his company,  as an ambulance had been called to the Sports Direct workhouse on no fewer than 76 times in the past two years.

That’s less than once a week,” he exclaimed. “For fucks sake, there are ladders to climb, trip hazards, untrained fork lift drivers and exhausted employees. Accidents happen. No one has died have they?

Lateness Levy
On the plus side Mr Ashley did explain steps he has taken to improve the working conditions in the workhouse.

Employees used to be docked 15 minutes pay if they were 1 minute late clocking on for a shift,” he explained.  “Now we only dock them 5 minutes pay, with a lateness levy of £10, which is taken directly from their salary.

I have extended the range of food in the staff canteen, which originally only provided tepid gruel. In addition,  we offer boiled rice, dry bread and cabbage soup. Employees can purchase these using their compulsory prepaid lunch card – prepaid from their salary of course – lol!

Giving Birth
We have also increased the number of toilets so women don’t have to wait so long to give birth. We will also waiver any salary penalty for woman in labour, if they agree to clean up the mess afterwards,” he told us, before lighting a fat cigar, and taking off in his helicopter for 3 weeks holiday on his massive fucking yacht.


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