“More Challenging” Teacher Training to be Introduced

The Department of Education plans to ease the teacher recruitment crisis by making it even harder to train for the profession - proving once and for all that they are bat shit mental.

And may the odds be ever in your favour!
And may the odds be ever in your favour!
LisaRedfern / Pixabay

It’s too easy to become a teacher! At least that is what the Department of Education is suggesting with its latest plan to reform the education system.

Inexplicable
With teacher recruitment at an all time low, for some inexplicable reason, the Government wants to make it even more difficult to become qualified.

Hunger Games
What we are suggesting, is a ‘Hunger Games’ style training process.” Gareth Shitwad, Head of Moronic Policies, told the Druid’s Loom. “At the moment too many people are not becoming teachers. We believe that making the process harder – particularly in the first few years of the job – will make more people want to stand in a room and be abused by 14 year olds.

The Government is now offering careers advice to ‘would be’ teachers and this is outlined in the document below.

Department of Education – Careers Advice – How to be a Teacher

Phase 1: Qualifications – Do really well at university and get at least a 2:1 degree.

Phase 2: Application Process – Complete the 73 page application form, including a dissertation, of 10,000 words on why Nicky Morgan is great.

Phase 3: Interview Process – Interview with a bastard, who will dehumanize you with patronising and hurtful comments.

Phase 4: Survival – Candidates will be taken to the public ‘wilderness arena”. Once there they will not only have to survive the elements, but also fight to the death with other candidates.

Phase 5: Placement – The surviving candidate will be placed in an academy and given the status “Under Teacher”. Here they will remain unqualified and on low pay, until the headteacher ‘decides’  to pay them properly. Under the new academy status, the headteacher will be given the freedom to never, ever do this, and exploit the “Under Teacher” for the remainder of their career.

Phase 6: Qualifying as a Teacher – Optional Only

Low Pay Indefinitely
Mr Shitwad dribbled and explained, “We believe that the risk of almost certain death will really raise the profile of the teaching profession and attract some excellent candidates. It also means that schools can just keep an ‘Under Teacher’ on low pay indefinitely and save us loads of money.

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