People celebrating the New Year, had their ears assaulted last night, as Robbie Williams began to sing in the new year.
Television viewers at home were able to put the television on mute, and just watch a load of rough looking prostitutes dancing around a middle-aged man.
However, for those who had paid £203.50 for a ticket for the exclusive event , the onslaught against their senses continued. Many party goers were forced to reach for bottles of hand sanitizer, and squirt the gloopy substance into their ear canal.
“It was horrible,” explained Norma Bungleberry, a drunk 30-year-old who couldn’t remember where she was from. “All I felt was a searing, burning sensation in my inner ear, followed by a deep pounding and inexplicable pain.“
“However, once I inserted the hand sanitizer in my ear, that all stopped. The relief was bliss,” she added.
The long term effects of inserting the gel into their ears, has caused temporary hearing loss, for up to six months – but for many attendees, it was worth it.
“Robbie, started to murder ‘Freedom‘, as a tribute to George Michael. Going deaf for half a year is quite frankly nothing compared to that,” signed retired postman, Bertrum Bogglenob.
Other members of the audience were not so lucky and did not have access to any anti-bacterial hand scrub.
“There was this bit, later on in the evening, where Robbie tried doing a bit of stand up, because he was clearly a bit tired with all that ‘singing’ and dancing,” Debbie Dobbie, a party goer from Kent told us.
During the ‘comedy’ routine the whole room was cringing, feeling both embarrassment and pity for Mr Williams.
“Robbie was just met with a wall of confused silence from his fans. I think we actually witnessed the first celebrity death of 2017,” Debbie added.