Nicky Morgan Introduces Fairer School Funding Formula

The Education Secretary, Nicky Morgan, today released her plans to reduce the imbalance in state school funding across the country.

Nikki Morgan
Nicky’s Fucked Fairer Funding Formula
Image (cropped) courtesy of Policy Exchange – CCBY2.0

There are currently a huge difference into the amount of money each pupil receives to fund their education in state schools. Some schools, for example, can receive over £2000 more per pupil than those in other areas.

Grossly Unfair

A spokesperson from the Department of Education, Simon Rabies, told The Druid’s Loom “It is grossly unfair that some schools receive so much more money than others. In a cohort of 200 students, that’s an additional £400,000 a year these schools get.”

This extra funding  can pay for about 13 experienced teachers in the classroom or a plethora of wonderful resources that benefit many areas of the building. However in most cases it is blown on one fucking Executive Headteacher.

House of Commons

When asked what the plan was to reduce this inequality Mr Rabies, grinned in a frightening manner and rasped, “We remove all extra funding these schools get, and drag them down to the level of the lowest schools. It’s easy. Loads of money can be saved and this will help refit the bar in the House of Commons – it’s well out of date and doesn’t even have contactless payment installed!”

Lying Twats

We also asked about the recent TV advert where it was stated that teachers can earn £65,000 after 4 years in the classroom, “We lied.” he explained and walked away.


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