In a shock announcement yesterday Nigel Farage’s moustache expressed its utmost desire, to become independent from Mr Farage’s face.
“You have to see this from my point of view,” explained the moustache. “I have been grown against my will, over the foul hell hole that is Nigel Farage’s chain-smoking and beer swilling mouth. If I stick around here too long I am going to end up with follicle cancer or something.“
What goes into Mr Farage’s mouth is the least of the moustache’s worries. It’s what comes out that is of most concern.
Subtle Genre of Racism
“It’s the bloody noise. That man never, ever shuts up. He is always fucking shouting. He spends most of the day using his subtle genre of racism to brainwash the masses to develop a hard lined racial hatred,” the moustache told us.
“He makes sexist comments to women walking past, constantly going ‘fwooar – I wouldn’t mind giving that a go’ under his breath.“
“But just imagine this – imagine being physically attached to Nigel Farage for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week – nothing deserves that,” it added.
The moustache is spearheading the Facexit campaign that, if successful would allow all of Mr Farage’s facial features independence from the rest of his head.
“I have the backing of the lips, nose, eyes, and ears at the moment,” he explained. “I am expecting to win his teeth and eyebrows over soon. I think is tongue is going to be most difficult to persuaded to vote leave. However, as it spent most of the Brexit campaign up Boris Johnson’s arse, I don’t really want it anyway!“
Our reporter asked the moustache what it would do, should the facial features vote to stay on Farage’s face.
“To be honest, I’m thinking of retraining, so I can be James Cordon’s arse hair. At least the smell would be better.“