No Stupid Kids Please – Say Academies

In a study published today it has been found that Academies are not that keen on SEN kids and prefer ones that do well and make them look good in league tables.

Some Clever Kids, at an Academy, Yesterday.
Some Clever Kids, at an Academy, Yesterday.
Sprachschuleaktiv / Pixabay

It has been discovered that once they are  given a nice chunk of money by the Government; academies can pretty much do what they please.

Financial Mismanagement
Huge payments to the Executive Headteachers plus gross financial mismanagement seem to go hand in hand with academy status these days.

Divisive League Tables
However there is something more insidious afoot that has been brought to our attention. In order to climb the coveted, yet divisive league tables, academies “dissuade” children with learning difficulties from joining the school.

Doing well for an academy is important. It means more money for the Executive Head, and perhaps even a second salary for a ‘consulting’ role.

Brand New Porsche
Lucida Burgletwump, Executive Headteacher from Shitey Newname Academy, told the Druid’s Loom, as she unlocked the door of her brand new Porsche, “We are a fully inclusive organisation and we welcome students of all academic ability. We do have a selection procedure, but this is so we are not over subscribed. We also ensure, that any student who doesn’t meet our selection criteria, is fully supported in their application to find a school well away from us.

A Bit ‘Council’
When pressed on what these criteria were, she turned on the luxury £1500 in-car entertainment system and said, “Potential students need to be able to complete a range of trigonometry problems, recite pi to 30 decimal places, and list the elements of the periodic table in the correct order.

Before, revving the 3.5 litre engine and speeding off she told us, “We also don’t want any students who look a bit ‘council’, or the ones that are a bit mental and keep making funny noises and stuff. It also helps if they are not ‘uggos’ too, in case we want to feature them on our glossy brochure.

We approached the Department of Education to question them about this issue  and their spokesman, Tony Burstbladder explained, “The reason why we want all schools to become academies is so we don’t have to deal with this kind of shit. Now piss off”


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