Iconic Bond villain, Auric Goldfinger, told the Druid’s loom this morning that not being able to sweat is probably a load of old bollocks.
Essential Biological Process
“It’s an essential biological process,” he explained. “And I should know! By painting my victims gold and thus blocking their pores, they over-heated and died.“
“You must remember it from the film, where Mr Bond’s latest sexual conquest is discovered draped erotically on the bed – and very much dead,” The fictional character continued.
Sleazy Sex Orgy
In the BBC’s car crash interview with HRH Prince Andrew, his main defence for not being part of a great big sleazy sex orgy was the fact that he couldn’t sweat after being shot at, in the Falklands.
“I was shot at in the Falklands” said veteran Sgt James Buggernut. “And I have to tell you it probably made me sweat more, rather than not at all. I also shat myself when things got even more hairy.”
“HRH Prince Andrew has to sweat though, doesn’t he? I mean the image of his porcine torso being discovered naked, slumped in bed from getting too hot, is really quite disturbing,” Sgt Buggernut added.
Keeping His Cool
Mr Goldfinger is now wondering if painting naked women gold to stop them sweating was the most efficient killing method to use. “It took ages to paint them, because they kept struggling and paint got everywhere. You had to use a lot of gold paint which is quite expensive stuff too,” he told us. “And the mess! I had to do the painting in a special room – wait ages for it to dry and then waiting for the women to die. Finally I had to move them carefully to the bedroom.“
“Looking back I should have just fired some shots nearby and they would have stopped sweating immediately.” he told us. “Moreover I could have just shot them in the head – that would have been quickest.“
Sweating Like a Pig
“I can tell you one thing,” BBC interviewer Emily Maitlis told us when we gave her call this morning, “After I had finished grilling the slimy little turd, he was sweating like a fucking pig!”