Teachers across the country  reluctantly dragged themselves out of bed this morning in order start another year trying to make sense of Government directives.

Bollocking
“The first few weeks back after the summer are always busy,” explained Fiona Fannytremble, a Chemistry teacher from Bury. “The first thing is the ‘welcome back’ meeting. Essentially this is a thinly veiled bollocking, where the senior leaders humiliate departments who’s results were not as good as expected.“

Ofsted
“Then they reduce all the human beings we taught to pieces of data, introduce a few annoying and over-enthusiastic new teachers, and then mention Ofsted about a million times,” she told us. “This is usually followed by a PowerPoint, with about 1000 slides explaining how to use the new photocopier, as if we are a bunch of fucking retards.”

After the meeting teachers will have to prepare their annual results breakdown report, where they have to come up with a plethora of excuses to explain why certain students did shit at their GCSEs.

Fucking Wall Displays
“The thing I hate is having to put up fucking wall displays,” Mrs Fannytremble explained. “It is an expectation that these be changed regularly, but to be honest, I haven’t got a clue how to make a display look good. I have a first-class honors degree in chemistry – it’s demeaning.”

No Life
“There is no point in trying anyway as there it is always the same teacher who gets highlighted as having the best wall displays every year. But they are single, with no children and no life – and they are 35 and still live with their mum,” she added.

We asked Mrs Fannytremble if she was looking forward to meeting the students this year.

“Oh them,” she replied. “Once we have met the demands of the school leadership team, there may be some time to quickly cobble together some lessons. Mind you, the actual teaching in a school is more of a hobby these days – you just fit it in when you have completed the other shit.“

  Back2School, firstdayofschool, ukeducation