Only Sexy Young Women go to the Beach

As Britain basks in the hottest day of all time, it has emerged that only nubile teenage girls like to go to the beach. Here they will frolic in their bikinis, seductively splashing each other, giggling as the cold sea water glistens on their bodies.

PWOOAR - What a Scorcher!
PWOOAR – What a Scorcher!
Counselling / Pixabay

Paparazzi photographers across the country were today dashing to the beach with the hope of snapping voyeuristic photographs of teenage girls, playing on the sun drenched British beaches. The extent of the coverage has led many readers to believe that no men, or women over the age of 20, ever go to the beach.

I fancied going to the beach today,” said Sarah Drumplong, “But at 26, I am probably a bit too old – it seems beaches are the preserve of  the under twentys

Grubby
Grubby paparazzi photographer, Clint Scruntis, explained to the Druid’s Loom, the process of taking a good beach photo.

“As soon as we get a heat wave, The Daily Mail and The Sun forget the recent article they have just printed, about SnapChat sexualising young girls and send us to photograph as many scantily clad teenagers as possible,” he told us. “If the girls are jumping in the air, splashing each other, or bending over, the photos are worth twice as much.

Telephoto
Photographers set up their cameras well down the beach, behind a wind break or something. Once they have attached their fucking huge telephoto lenses they can capture the finest detail.

Sometimes it feels like I could reach out and touch one of their breasts,” Mr Scruntis explained whilst trying to hide his erection.

Perverts
Only last week, the Daily Mail was whipping itself into a frenzy about Pokemon Go being used to lure young girls to Pokestops. Today they are printing photos of the same age group wearing next to nothing,” said Barry Frogtot, a confused reader. “I remember feeling really angry about these perverts in the Pokemon article – yet today I am being encouraged to looked at these titillating images. I don’t understand.

When we questioned approached The Sun about the ages of the girls in the photos, a spokesman for the ‘newspaper’ told us, “To be honest its hard to tell, 14, 16 or 18 who knows. Still if they have some form of clothing on I think it’s still legal.

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